It's been awhile since I've posted anything here on my blog, but it's about time, so here's my latest thoughts. Thanks for reading!
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This is something I've been trying to write for awhile. It's
been really hard to think through it since it's a part of me that for a long
time, I pretty much kept to myself. It’s not a huge thing, and for a
while I was able to cope with it fairly well and I didn’t really notice much I
was missing. Lately though as it has gotten worse, I’m noticing more
& more how it’s affecting me and those around me. I’m finally
writing it all out to help myself accept that it’s real and ask for your understanding
as I try to figure out how to function normally again.
I have genetic hearing loss that worsens over time and accelerates
during pregnancy. I first noticed it when I was 21 and a senior in college. I
had to keep turning to hear the person next to me talking to me and a little
later my roommate questioned why I was holding a sound recorder up to my ear
when she could hear it across the room. I went to the doctor assuming to
have wax build-up or something easily solved, and was told that I had
otosclerosis. My mom has this as well; it causes the bones in your ears
to become spongy so they can’t respond to the sounds you should hear. Although
my mom & some of her sisters had this same hearing condition (as did my
grandfather), from what we knew of it, we thought it was carried from father to
daughter, mother to son. I guess that must not be true since I got it from my mom. I was the first
of my siblings to notice anything changing with my hearing, and so far, none of
them have had any major problems.
That summer I had ear surgery, and received a brand-new titanium
stapes. It didn’t fix everything, but it brought me back in to the normal
range for most frequencies and I could go back to picking up most everything in
conversation. Now 10 years and three kids later I’m really struggling. My
bones & nerve have continued to deteriorate, and with each pregnancy it
has gotten exponentially worse. I’ve been noticing how it makes me feel
self-conscious; it makes me want to avoid situations that would make it hard
for me to follow conversations.
I can generally converse normally when talking to one person face
to face with no background noise, but a lot of times that’s not the case.
When someone’s not facing me, or throwing out a comment here or there, I have
to say “what?” a lot. Even then, I will still probably respond incorrectly,
or just nod and smile to hide the fact that I didn’t really catch what you
repeated three or four times.
I’m sorry for that and especially if I ever made you feel like I
didn’t care what you were saying.
I usually avoid talking to someone that is too far away for me to
hear their reply. Generally it's my neighbors, or someone sitting across the
room. I'm gonna have to start sneaking over a little closer so we can have a good
chat. It’s also really hard to talk on the phone. Aside from my
inevitably loud kids in the background, I realize how much I rely on watching
lips when conversations turn into a bunch of stumbling words and awkward
replies on my part. I do love to stay in touch though, and I apologize
for not reaching out more to those of you that I miss so much!
My biggest problem, and where I’m most uncomfortable, is in
groups. I love teaching
Relief Society because I get to be at the front and everyone responds with
their comments talking to ME! I
can usually follow along fairly well. But
in groups with multiple conversations going on, people speaking the other
direction, or if there’s background noise, I have to focus REALLY hard so I can
comment and respond. After a while my brain gets frazzled & I have to
zone out. This usually
happens at things like baby showers, girls’ night out, and the majority of
church activities. I try to
attend these things anyway because I really want to be social and strengthen
friendships, but unless I find someone to talk with quietly in the corner, I
usually come home feeling anti-social & exhausted.
I guess what I’m saying here is, I need your help. I’m still
learning what I need to be able to communicate effectively. I am hoping
that by telling you this, you can be understanding when I ask you to repeat what
you said. Please be patient with me and don’t think that I am dumb.
I am writing this because I care about all of you. Even those of you I
don’t know well. I WANT to know you, or know you better, and I don’t want
my hearing impairment to get in the way of our relationship.
Here are some things that I think will really help me. Try
to look at me when you talk to me. Get my attention before you start to
talk. I would be too embarrassed to ask, but if we are in a group, sit
next to me so I can ask you what was said if I miss something. And if I
misunderstand or seem to outright ignore you, give me a nudge and say it again!
I always love to hear the things I miss the first (or second, or third) time.
Just telling you this, helps me feel better. It will mean so much
to have you know and understand what it is like for me to face each day without
hearing all the things that I used to hear so easily. With your help and
understanding I will hopefully be able to learn how to communicate with the
people that I love and care about, which is you.
